Life is cold

This past blizzard reminded me of a past experience in Afghanistan, lying in the prone in 2 feet of snow for hours upon hours in ambuscade.  I would almost swear that my blood stopped flowing and my muscles seized up, it was so cold.  It really puts the comment of WWII airborne vets that no matter how cold it was at the the present, they "Thank God I'm not in Bastogne."

Thank God Im not in Afghanistan.

Currently Listening Celtic Woman: A Christmas Celebration By Celtic Woman Danny Boy see related

We Drink and We Sing, We Drink and We Die

Bloody hell, Irish Whiskey and Irish song really don't mix well.  They do, perfectly, but not when you're in such a malignant mood as I.  The haunting refrains of women pining for lost loves to war and oppresion tend to overwhelm a man's senses when he nears the point of inebriation.  It reminds me of a time not to distant...

I found myself in the wilderness, for either military purposes, hunting, adventuring; it doesnt really matter.  The snow had freshly fallen  mere few hours ago, the trees were glazed with transparent, glassy ice; they practically sparkled in the sunlight, refracting light like a prism to show a rainbow streaking across the horizon.  I cleared a section of snow from the base of an ancient oak, a tree so massive, gnarled and aged that I would be a mere eyeblink its its lifespan.  Sitting there, under that venerable oak, watching my breath crystalize the moment it left my mouth, I began to think.  I thought about the current situation I found myself in, a paradox of morals/ethics and a profession.  I thought of my accomplishments, loves gained and lost, the past, present and future... but mainly my failures.  As a friend, son and lover.  how could I have fallen so short so often?  Had I not tried my best, done my utmost at every turn?  What was a man like I to do, whose done what I have done, seen what Ive seen before the age of 23?  How much longer can I keep up the cavalier, devil-may-care attitude towards my friends and acquaintances that so far, I have upheld without much transparency?  How can a woman of worth deign to stay with a man like myself?  A man who makes war his profession, gone for months, years on end, with no guarantee of return?  And assuming I do, a man changed, not neccesarilly for the better...

I sat there for a time not counting, not moving except for the periodic breaths to sustain life.  My body slowed to a point that I could easily have slipped into a sleep and never awoken.  Not to dramaticize, but I did contelmplate that, the ease that I could slide down into a sleep, ever so restful and eternal.  But then I thought of a certain Afghani girl, her brother and the man who kept them, and what we did to free them.  I thought to myself, if there were two, just two lives who I might have made better, is it not worth the pain, the suffering, the disappointment of my life to affect someone who is maltreated and abused like them in a positive, life changing way?  I say yes, it is.  My life is nothing when compared to the innocents in the world, the poor children who are daily beaten and broken, and I see it as not my job, but my mission to help them in any way possible.  I remember the look in that girls eyes when we freed her and cared for her, and that memory made me rise from the bole of that mighty oak, and continue my journey, for better or worse.

Paix.

Currently Listening Through Glass see related

Looking, but not finding....

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel, that is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real, so much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins contaminating everything
We thought came from the heart,
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
null and void instead of voices
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember its just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

cause i'm looking at you through the glass, don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever, but no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head...

And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you

Who are the stars?
Who are the stars?
They lie…

Currently Listening Hand of Blood By Bullet For My Valentine Hand of Blood see related

I got soul AND Im a soldier

A full day, a fun day.  Got wet with 80 plus gorgeous TriSigs, hung out with my bros, did my homework finally. 

Then it all disappears in the space of an hour. 

"The Path to 9/11."  "The footsteps of Usama."  "Remembering 9/11."  "Broken Lives."

Now I know more than the next person how political bullshit will derail a good tactical operation, but FUCK, I had no idea how much our government screwed the pooch.  Its embarassing.  Whats more, if we had any sort of balls whatsoever and just wacked the man and his henchmen back in 95, how different would our lives be now?

I know what it was like to be 'on the trail of UBL,' to chase leads and hit caves, kill his cronies and end up empty handed.   But thats why we have million dollar missles to paste a grid square when we have eyes on the enemy.   Damn you George Tenet.  How many of my buddies would still be whole, still have their legs, their eyes, their lives if you would have just sacked up for five minutes of your life? 

Hell I dont know who I want to kill more, the terrorists or the cowards on capitol hill.

Does this make you happy?

So Im sitting here rocking to mudvayne, reflecting on the hours long fiesta of the other night, and Ive come to a realization.  Its difficult to put to words, but Im going to try. 

The point of life is to LIVE, for the moment, carpe diem at its best.  I fully intend to burn bright and go out in a blaze of honorable victory somewhere.  To fight honorably, be loyal without reproach, honest to the point of pain and to love fiercly.  Whats the point of just eeking through life, living for money and power, power and money?  Its futile.  There are real-life monsters that need vanquished at the edge of the world, vast expanses needing explored (but not charted), mysteries needing solved.  To live for the moment, in all its carnal pleasures and to live martially is the epitome of life.  Why make connections, relationships that will only serve to cause more pain in the future?  Why remain in the little bubble that shelters you from the glories that await?  Why create connections that will only limit you... 

I've learned of a man-killing bull elephant in Thailand thats killed every single mercenary group thats tried to bring it down, Who feels like taking a vacation to Asia?